Lament, Discern, Move: A Three‑Step Pattern for Necessary Change

As we discussed in last week’s blog, making necessary changes as leaders is rarely easy. Large transitions within your community can be painful; for example, the decision to move on from a position or the community as a whole can be disruptive, scary and sad in a very personal way. 

There are times when transition is necessary; everyone must pass the baton at some point. No one can do what they are doing forever. While leaving one path opens us up to opportunities, it can also be hard to let go of the old path and frightening to consider what lies ahead. 

I have found that transition happens in three steps: Lament, Discern and Move. 

Lament  

During times of letting go, it is essential to process our emotions. Sit with the grief and the fear. Acknowledging these feelings can be uncomfortable, but it is part of the process and will actually help us cope with what comes next. 

Our grief is not a single moment in time. It is something we will revisit again and again, but each time it will feel a little different, a little farther away. When we can accept our emotions, it becomes easier to release them over time. 

A friend once said that grief is like being delayed in an airport transit lounge. It is not here nor there. We are stuck with memories of the past and anticipation of the future. It is not always comfortable, and we can become impatient to get to the next phase of our travel. However, this is part of the journey and the only thing we can do is to accept where we are. While we can use this time to reflect on the past and dream and plan for the future, there is no rushing the plane.  Rather it’s best to be at peace with where we are. 

Read my personal story aboutGrief in the Face of Change.

Discern  

Practising discernment is a valuable step in embracing necessary change. As leaders, we need to have foresight and wisdom when deciding the path forward. Here is a checklist of questions and actions we should take in order to discern the next step. 

Ask: 

Who am I? What is my identity? Leaving a place or role behind and moving onto another both require a strong sense of who we are. What has changed since my last big transition? How have I changed? What might change in this next stage? 

Who ’s next?  We may or may not be involved in the process of finding who will do what we have been doing: Will I find this person? Is it up to a committee? Is the role changing or staying the same? It can be difficult in any situation to let go of our role and the control that came with this. However, we can take comfort in the fact that God knows. While we might not get the clarity that God gave Elijah, showing him how Elisha was next, we can still know God is involved and taking action. 

What ’s next for me? Anytime we stop something, something else begins. So what happens now? Am I embracing what comes next? What do I need to do to make this transition? 

Are we emphasising clarity? Make sure that the roles in this transition are very clear to everyone involved. Clarity from the beginning of a new chapter is the best way to set everyone up for success. 

What is the timeline we are working with? When am I leaving? When does my role get filled? Who will train them and when? 

What is the managerial body/board ’s role? Which choices are mine? What is out of my hands? 

How can I finish well? What conversations need to happen before I am gone? And what can I put in place now to set up the next phase for success once I have moved on?

How do I say goodbye as I recognise certain “lasts”, such as last meetings with coworkers, last sermon as a lead pastor, last time in my office? How can I say goodbye in these moments? What am I feeling? What are the core things in my heart that I wish to pass on?

Move

When it is time to move on, do so gracefully and fully. This doesn’t mean you are not allowed to feel grief, anxiety and even envy as you leave one role behind and move on to the next, but it is important to process these feelings appropriately. 

As time passes, the feelings will fade, but there are triggers that can bring them up again, such as important anniversaries, changes in the previous role or unexpected struggles with the new role. It can be a long and difficult process. While it is helpful to reflect by yourself, through walks, journaling and prayer, having someone else, such as a coach or mentor, to help enable self-reflection and transformation through your emotions is a great way to maximise the outcome. No one competing in the Olympics would do so without a coach; getting help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign that we are self-aware of our needs. We are at our best through connection with others. 

Reflection Questions: 

• Who is helping you? 
• Are you trusting and transparent with that help? Are you opening yourself up to really participate and transform? (While some denominations require this of their clergy and part of the credentialing process, do treat this help as for your best, not just the ticking of a box.)