Five habits of leaders who handle conflict well

Conflict within a community is inevitable. There will always be disagreements and miscommunication, even within the healthiest groups of people. As a leader, you will face conflict again and again, and a good leader will handle conflict within their community with fairness and grace. It is one of the many competencies needed for an effective leader, and at Verve Lead, we consider it a crucial behavioural expression. 

The 5 items below contribute to the behavioural expression required to be a leader who handles conflict well.  Read through them and take a moment to consider how you would score within each area. The scores show each respondent’s rating on the 1–5 scale (1 = Never, 5 = Always).

1. Addresses conflict directly and constructivel y

Unresolved conflict erodes trust and drains energy. It will fester and deepen if it is not addressed. It’s akin to the time I got a four-inch-long splinter from a palm tree. I didn’t want to have it removed because I knew how badly it would hurt, but I also knew that it would get infected, and the pain would eventually get much worse if I didn’t go to the hospital to have it taken out. It’s always better to embrace discomfort in the moment to avoid worse conflict later. 

2. Listens to all sides before forming conclusions

Proverbs 18:17 states: “ The first to state his case seems right, until another comes and cross-examines him” (ESV). Just hearing one perspective or part of a story is never enough to understand the situation. It’s essential to listen to all sides of the matter, even if it seems clear who is in the wrong. Say you hold up a coin and a person on your left sees heads, while the other sees tails. They are both right, just seeing it from different angles. Many conflicts result from miscommunications or misunderstandings, so beginning by exploring every side of the situation leads to greater clarity. 

3. Seeks win-win solutions in disagreements

When someone is attacking from “I’m right, and they’re wrong,” they are looking for a win/lose. A win/win is when both sides of a disagreement come with open minds, ready to listen to all perspectives with respect. It happens when both parties are valuing the relationship and the good of the work over their need to be right. 

4. Does not avoid necessary confrontations

Confrontations do not have to be aggressive; in fact, aggressiveness can actually discourage resolution. However, it is important to be assertive. When there is clear tension, it rarely just goes away. We can ask ourselves, “Does this conflict matter? Is it necessary? What will happen if it is ignored?” Even a small prickle can be good to address. Encouraging everyone to focus on their own part in the story (their needs and feelings) can minimise blaming and accusing others. Phrases such as “You hurt my feelings” sound accusatory, whereas “I felt hurt when you…” come across as vulnerable and less blaming. 

5. Facilitates difficult conversation

A good leader helps to resolve conflicts effectively. We are working to create a safe and effective workplace for everyone. Most conflicts can be resolved with a simple conversation, but occasionally they need a facilitator to ensure everyone is treated with respect. The key is clarity; what don’t we know? What are we not seeing? We should always tackle conflict with “What else is behind this mentality?” The issue might not be the issue; a person in pain can flare up, and innocuous events have nothing to do with the person. There may be a wider context we know nothing about. Seeking understanding of a person’s actions is the best way to find forgiveness. 

A leader can also encourage and make room for emotional regulation by asking those involved in the conflict, “What is happening in you right now?” or “What is causing this response?” If a person’s anger is interfering with their ability to be reasonable and understanding, the best thing is often for them to take time to process and breathe; cool down, go for a walk or write down their feelings. 

Conflict is okay and necessary. Relationships last longer when conflict is managed well, and workplaces feel safer. Being able to take a position that makes you address the conflict is the only way to make positive, lasting changes. 

Reflection Questions:

• Do I avoid conflict? Is this out of wisdom or fear?
• Where are there tensions in my workplace? Should they be addressed?
• How do I regulate my emotions when I am upset?