From Triangle to Two-Way: Breaking Up Triangulated Conflicts

Conflict highlights insecurities and uncertainties. Conflict can become complicated as it often relies on one person’s word against another. This often leads to the impulse to ally oneself; to bring another person into the situation to support one’s point of view. This is called triangulation and, while it is understandable, it only escalates conflict. 

Triangulation: What is it?

Triangulation happens when Person A has a problem with Person B but talks to Person C instead of Person B. The triangle feels safer than the direct line to Person B— but it rarely solves anything and usually makes things worse. Finding an ally means that they are automatically pitted against the other side. Usually the person brought in is already biased by an existing relationship or a deeper insight into Person A’s perspective. Triangulation increases miscommunication and misunderstandings, amplifies resentments and tension, and can lead to long-lasting bitterness. 

In Christian contexts, triangulation often is expressed as:

• “I just need to process this with someone”
• “I’m asking for prayer”
• “I wanted to get a second opinion before I said anything”

Dressed as collaboration, triangulation can end up as collusion. Sometimes, there are legitimate reasons to share one’s side of a story with an outsider, but more often than not, it is avoidance with a spiritual veneer. Ultimately, triangulation is just a more sophisticated form of gossip, hearsay and manipulation.

How can I avoid triangulation? 

Refuse to be a triangle point. When someone comes to us with the explicit goal of gaining our sympathy and rallying us to their side, we can politely tell them that we are not part of the conflict and don’t want to be involved. We can encourage them to have a conversation with the person they are upset with, rather than spread gossip. We can also help them by asking questions such as, “What do you need to be able to have this conversation with the person you are in conflict with?”

Address the anxiety that comes from conflict. Most of the time, a straightforward conversation between the two people at odds is the best way to address the situation, but there are also times where a person may feel intimidated or even frightened by another person, as in cases of abuse or bullying. In these situations, pushing the person to sit down one-on-one with their abuser can be dangerous. Instead, we should encourage them to find a mediator or take their complaints to higher management.

How do I avoid triangulation as a mentor? 

There are times when there should be a third party in a conflict, and that is in the capacity of a professional practitioner. As a mentor, coach or supervisor, it is not uncommon to be asked to mediate conflicts, but even professionals need to be careful of triangulation. Our own triggers, motivations or friendships can cloud our judgement, and we need to be able to set these aside to be truly unbiased. We are not there to take sides, rather to help process the feelings and experiences of the people involved in the conflict. Our goal is to help them hear each other and understand each other, without judgement and accusations. 

We need to be aware of our personal ties to those involved. There are boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed; for example, a mentor shouldn’t provide couples counselling for their own brother and his wife. There is too much history. Similarly, in a workplace, we may not be the best choice to navigate conflict without bias between a very close friend and a stranger. Even in a one-on-one session with our clients, where sharing anger and venting are part of processing, we need to be careful not to be recruited to their cause. 

We also must be aware of and honest about our own competency. There are conflicts that are too deep for a supervisor to unpack. If there are legal or safety issues at play, we may need to refer to another professional. 

Reflection Questions: 

Where do I see triangulation in my life? What is my part in it? 

If I am in a triangulation situation, who is a safe person to speak with?